Just wait...

After a pregnancy spent fending off stupid comments and questions from people I was excited to finally have my baby in my arms and finally have an end to other people scrutinising my life. Little did I know that the stupidity doesn’t stop there...

“Just wait till....”

This is the line people use whenever they feel the need to drag something positive down. The worst thing is it’s usually a topic they have initiated. They ask the question hoping for a negative response and when they don’t get it they just make their own.

 Example 1:

Stupid person: So how does your son feel about the baby?

Me: He adores her!

Stupid person: Oh...well just wait until blah blah blah and he won’t for long!

Example 2

Stupid person: How is life with no sleep?

Me: Actually bubs is a great sleeper!

Stupid person: Just wait until this, that and the other happens and you will be up all night!

I don’t understand why people can’t just be happy to see that someone else is enjoying having a newborn. Things don’t always have to be difficult!

Emotional vs. Physical

Having hubby home for two weeks after the birth of my daughter has left me wondering, is it better to receive emotional support or physical support. Or does it need to be a combination of both?

Although I have felt totally thankful that hubby has taken on the chores of the house there have definitely been times when I have felt like I would much rather a cuddle and being told I’m doing a good job. Clean plates are great but is it at the expense of my emotional health?

Maybe I’m looking for the wrong type of support from the wrong person?  Should I be relying on hubby to provide it all or should I be spreading the neediness around?

In this time of fluctuating hormones and getting used to new routines it’s almost impossible to make a rational decision and stick to it so it’s almost impossible to know what I need at any given time from any given person.

So for now I will enjoy having clean plates and clothes and hope that the cuddles will come when needed and thank my lucky stars that both hubby and I are happy with just two kids so I never have to go through this again! 

Why can’t us mums give ourselves a break?

After giving birth to my daughter only a week ago I found myself feeling guilty watching my hubby cleaning and cooking while I rested. Why is this? During a long and very hard pregnancy I spent my days looking after a house and a 3 year old in between vomiting and nights at hospital getting rehydrated through a drip. So why is it that after all that AND giving birth I still can’t let myself relax?

I hear so many mums talking about how exhausted they are and majority of responses are always negative. And the sad part is a lot of the negative responses are from other mums. Are we so concerned with trying to be super mums that we happily put other mums down instead of supporting them? Through the course of my pregnancy I was asked so many times why I hadn’t stayed at work and it seemed no matter how sick I was it was still not a good enough reason for everyone else. I even had people comparing me to others and suggesting that I wasn’t as sick as I thought and it was all in my head.

I really believe that society makes us feel like being a stay at home mum is just a day spent watching TV and eating tim tams. It is the most under acknowledged job that anyone can do and yet it is the hardest job by far. We don’t get paid by the hour, nor do we get specified lunch breaks and overtime. We work 24/7 and just hope that we will get a spare moment to eat during the day. We don’t get extra benefits for being on call all night, unless you call sleep deprivation a benefit. We are the backbones of a household yet when we need to take time out for ourselves we are deemed to be spoiling ourselves.

Same goes for the working mums. It’s not an easy decision to go back to work. And the working day isn’t 9 till 5. There is still another job waiting for you when you get home exhausted. If you’re not copping it for going back to work to soon you will be made to feel lazy for not being back at work soon enough.

I really hope that the day comes when mums will be acknowledged for the huge amount of work we do and instead of being classed as bludgers we will be treated as precious as we are.

2nd Time around...

Over the past 3 years I seem to have lost some huge chunks from my memory about what it entails to look after a newborn. Bust reality has hit...and hard!

The first thing I noticed was the cramping. Pain so intense it was like having contractions all over again. I couldn’t remember having these with bub number one and was told that generally they only start with your 2^nd. How lovely, another little present to add to the rest. They pop up constantly all day and night but are most painful while breastfeeding. This leads me to the next failed memory.

My last memory of breastfeeding was having the ability to whack my son on and give him a feed as easy as pie. What I had forgotten about was the months of work it took to get to that point. The weeks of teaching bubs how to attach and detach without ripping nipples off, the cracks and bleeding and milk spraying everywhere but into bubs mouth. Im dealing with an amount of milk that would feed every child in the neighbourhood and allows my baby to lay under it like a waterfall and lap it up like a cat. Not so great for teaching her how to latch on.

While we are talking feeding I had totally forgotten how long it takes to feed and how often they need to happen. Turns out that life is now revolving around feed times. Every outing is planned for no longer than a 2 hour time frame to avoid above milk spraying sessions in public. I am once again learning that food is still edible even if it is stone cold and eating while feeding results in a headful of crumbs for the baby.

I have also rediscovered that whilst I have time away from being a milk machine that time needs to be used to do washing. So much washing! And everything is stained in poop or vomit. The noises and explosions that come from such a small child are indescribable and the damage caused is there for all to see and smell.

One of the most frustrating things I had forgotten about (or possibly blocked out of my memory) is the unwanted advice and opinions. Seems that although I managed to raise one baby I no longer have the adequate skills or knowledge to do the same thing with the 2^nd bub. My parenting skills are now up for public dissection and everyone feels they are qualified to offer their advice. I now must be the frazzled mum with a newborn and anything less means I’m not doing my job correctly. If I don’t look tired enough I must not be feeding enough during the night, if my baby is content and not crying 24/7 there must be a problem.  And the worst thing is that most of the time the people offering the advice haven’t laid eyes on a newborn in over 20 years. Guess their memories must be a lot sharper than mine!

Sharing...

Most of the time after the birth of a baby the new mum is so wrapped up in her new bundle of joy that the world around her seems to stop. After recently having my 2^nd baby I had this reinforced when I had to share a hospital room with a first time mum. Needless to say after one night I was totally over it and was begging to get home. These are a few things that I think can really make or break a co room friendship.

Visitors...

 The amount of visitors and the amount of noise they bring affect everyone in the room.  If you have so many visitors that they no longer fit in the room and are spilling into the hallway then you have too many. This is not a family BBQ, it is a hospital. In my hospital room I was at the non bathroom end of the room so every time I needed to go to the toilet I had to hobble past this huge crowd of people holding my sanitary products and hoping they couldn’t see my newly stretched belly wobbling under my pjs.

Shared bathroom...

When walking into your shared bathroom you should not be reminded of what living in a really bad share house would be like. This means keep your toiletries by your bed or at least in a neat pile on the sink. Dirty towels on the floor are definitely not cool and keep in mind that others in the room might appreciate a shower before 11am. So leaving it set up for your shower and then never taking it isn’t very good sharing.

Use lights sparingly at night...

Hospitals are not very restful at the best of times, especially at night. With the constant nurse visits and trolleys being wheeled around it can be tough to get unbroken sleep. That is why turning the room’s lights on every time your baby gurgles or you need to go to the bathroom is a bed idea. There is generally a light above your bed for those very reasons. Waking everyone in the room every hour is a bad idea, especially in the maternity ward.

Phone etiquette...

I understand that mobile phones are just a part of society now and trust me, I don’t leave home without mine. But there has to be some phone etiquette used when sharing a room. If its past visiting time and others in the room are sleeping, that is not the time to start chatting loudly on the phone to the visitors that couldn’t make it. Same goes for keeping the phone on loud just in case someone wants to congratulate you at 2am.  

Luckily I was able to go home after one night but I pity the people that have a stay that’s longer then that!

Taking a toddler out in public

One of the riskier things you will ever do in life as a mum is taking your toddler out for a big day in public. I’m not talking a trip to the local shop, I mean an all day, unfamiliar location, exhausting day out. I recently did this with my 3 year old and at 40 weeks pregnant it didn’t take long for me to come up with a list of things I would do totally differently should I ever feel like the need to do it again.

On the train...

Biggest mistake of the day was not having anything to entertain my little man on the train. I crazily thought that just watching the world pass by out the window would be enough distraction but it lasted about 4 minutes before he decided that jumping all over the seats would be much more fun. Not too hard to manage on the way there but add to this a long day, a krispy kreme doughnut and being waaay overtired and I’m sure you can imagine what the trip home was like!

Another mistake was not taking a pram. I figured that he would cope fine with the 10-15 min walk the website assured me the location was from the station... I forgot to factor in the detour for lunch and the extra 20 mins it takes me to waddle my way around.  Turns out chasing a hypo toddler through city crowds kind of takes some of the fun out of the day.

I would also recommend to do some research into kid friendly places to eat. I left this decision up to hubby and it landed us in a Chinese restaurant..... Not so kid friendly menu wise or cutlery wise. Mr 3 was left to eat steamed rice with a Chinese soup ladle because the only other option was chopsticks. Also was very embarrassing and frustrating when he had an “accident” at the table and no one understood hubby’s pleas for some towelling or something to clean it up. Although the food was nice I would have eaten a cheeseburger to avoid the drama.

 The saving grace of the day was once we got to our destination it was totally packed with kids They were all as hypo if not more than Mr 3.So here is my biggest piece of advice, go somewhere theres lots of kids, because no matter what sort of mood your kid is in there will always be another one there that’s naughtier!

Pregnancy Paranoia...

Over this last pregnancy I have stumbled across something that I like to call pregnancy paranoia. The crazy fear that sets in as soon as some mums find out they are carrying. All of a sudden everything seems like a huge risk, from what you eat and drink to how you walk!

It starts off on your first visit to the dr when you get handed a massive list of all the things you should now avoid eating. And they are split into 3 categories, almost like a test on how willing you are to kill your unborn child. Unfortunately the most delicious foods are generally in the “red zone”.

Now I am not one to advocate that anyone ignore the drs orders but I pose the question, how did our mums manage to survive a pregnancy 20 years ago eating as they pleased and still managing to have happy and healthy babies? It seems to me that all this extra pressure does is frighten a new mum even more than they were before. Now they not only have to worry about their parenting skills after the baby is born but also what sort of parent they are before the child is even here. I see mum after mum on baby forum after forum asking questions that a general person would find ridiculous but other fear induced mothers totally understand. People who have slipped up and eaten that little square of creamy delicious soft cheese are now posting the question “could I have killed my unborn baby????”

The worst thing about the pregnancy paranoia is the advice that former paranoid mums like to hand out constantly. No more posting on Facebook or Twitter about that delicious KFC Twister you just devoured because you already know that someone is going to jump right on you about the raw egg that might be in the mayo or the salad that might contain bacteria. And heaven help you if someone sees you inside a hairdressing salon getting your roots touched up in an attempt to feel somewhat beautiful again, how dare you put that chemical on your head and risk the chance of it seeping in all the way down to the baby!

In the end it’s each to their own but as I sit here 39 weeks along eating reheated pizza for breakfast I have to feel sorry for anyone denying themself of this privilege.

Just a baby vessel

I have become a baby vessel. Purely here to carry a child to full term and it seems for no other purpose. I no longer have a body of my own and everything I do must be based around the baby. I am no longer able to eat foods I love without hearing about the effects it might have on the baby and I am no longer able to enjoy anything potentially risky unless I’m locked inside my house with the blinds down. The only pain I am allowed to mention is the pain of contractions. If I’m in pain but it’s not a contraction it need not be mentioned. The only calls I receive now are to ask if the baby is here yet, I am just a mere obstacle in people’s way as they wait to meet the baby.

What they dont tell you about pregnancy...

Not quite sure who “they” are but whoever takes this title sure has a lot of explaining to do... here are some of the things I wish I had known about pregnancy...

Gas

Gas, wind, farting, however you want to describe it is up to you. But there is no denying that during pregnancy it is rampant! It’s physically painful to hold in and emotionally painful to let out. It will catch you off guard and any sudden movements will result in a quick scurry to another part of the room.  And later in the pregnancy when you are eagerly awaiting the start of labour, a big gas bubble will manage to disguise itself as a contraction...but only for a short time.

Bladder control...or lack of!

Imagine really needing to go to the toilet and having a small child jump on your bladder. Welcome to pregnancy! The only difference is the small child is inside you for a long 40 weeks. You will be punched and kicked in the bladder and later on in pregnancy it will be used as a cushion 24/7. You will become too nervous to laugh, sneeze or make any sudden movements. You will become a master at quickly excusing yourself to the bathroom should any of those occur.

Heartburn

I’m not talking about a little bit of indigestion that you get after a spicy dish; I’m talking drinking gaviscon out of the bottle like water on a hot summer’s day type heartburn. I’m talking sleeping sitting up in an attempt to reduce some of the pain type heartburn.  Where nothing you do eases the burning pain and no matter what you eat or drink you may as well have swallowed a bag of hot chillies. You will Google remedies and try things you never imagined just to try and ease the pain but generally the only thing that works is waiting for the baby to drop and get off your gut!

No sleep before bubs arrive

We all get warned that once bubs arrives we must learn to live with the idea of sleep deprivation but what nobody tells you is that the lack of sleep actually starts way before bubs makes an appearance. If it’s not due to the gas, heartburn or muscle pain it’s your body just waking you up to give you a chance to stress a little. Is the nursery going to be finished, will I make a good mum, will I cope with labour...anything and everything that will worry you will happen at 3am when you can’t do anything about it!

Other people’s stupidity

This is probably the number one thing that nobody thinks about when falling pregnant but I guarantee that unless you are living on another planet for the entire 9 months you will encounter stupidity from someone else. Be it a do gooder who insists they know exactly what you need to eat, do, wear, avoid or be it a funny man that thinks calling you a teletubby is a huge joke. People will assume that your belly is public property and that your every move is up for a public discussion.  The only way to handle all the unwanted attention is either ignore it or come up with some witty retorts very early on. 

Where do they learn it??

Kids are fascinating creatures...they seem to pick up all the things you don’t want them to learn and struggle with the simple things. I have been told by my 3 year old that I “ruin his life”. This is the same kid that struggles with the word yellow! I always blamed it on those other kids at preschool or those potty mouth people in the shopping centre but lately vie been paying more attention to the things he watches on TV. I’m not talking about The Simpsons or Futurama. I’m talking Toy Story and Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory!  Imagine my horror when I realize that during these innocent looking kids movies the characters are screaming at each other to shut up and calling each other idiots...and apparently telling each other that they ruin each other’s life! Seems that short of wrapping kids in a bubble and never letting them out of it there is really no way to prevent them learning less then desirable things. And I have to admit, at my sickest times during this pregnancy there was no better babysitter than the TV. 

A guide for dealing with pregnant women

The dos and don’ts when dealing with a pregnant woman...

After going through my first pregnancy as a single mum, this time around I was convinced that it would be much easier with support from my hubby and all the extra family. Little did I know that doing it alone was actually easier! Less opinions and more rest. After 9 long months I sit here 39 weeks pregnant and think about all the advice I wish people around me had known...

Things not to do

Try and “suggest” someone gives birth at a time to suit you...

You may think this is just common sense but it seems that a lot of people really don’t get the idea that a baby will arrive when it is ready. Regardless of your big weekend planned around the due date or the fact that you’re really busy on Fridays, the baby will not wait. So hassling the poor pregnant mother about when she is allowed to give birth will not only irritate an already stressed out woman but guarantee you end up on outer when the baby actually comes.

Make negative comments on the chosen name

There will never be a name that everyone approves of but if you are one of the lucky few that is privileged enough to find out the chosen name early you should never make negative comments. Ever. You are not being asked your opinion, you are being let into a trusted group and you should act accordingly.  Smile, nod and tell the parents how lovely the name is that they have chosen for their child.

Make the baby shower/nursery about you

One of the funnest things about being pregnant is getting to decorate the nursery. Pregnant women spend so much time and energy creating this beautiful space for the new baby to sleep in. So if you have an opinion that isn’t in the ball park of “it looks fantastic” then keep it to yourself. Pregnant mums don’t want to know that you think there is too much pink or that the play mat is a waste of money. Same goes for a baby shower. If a pregnant mum is specific about what she wants there, stick to it! After all, she is the one who is going through the pain and sleepless nights carrying the baby; surely it isn’t hard to just put her needs first for one day!

Expect her to either come places or stay home alone

Some women get terribly sick during pregnancy, some just a little and some not at all. Either way, pregnancy is a tiring and life consuming thing to go through. It may be true that the world doesn’t stop just because someone is pregnant but sometimes the small and close world of family should. So when poor pregnant mum has been up most of the night with her head in a bucket, expecting her to still go to the family BBQ the next day is not good form. Nor is suggesting that if she doesn’t feel well enough she should just stay home alone.  The right thing to do is suggest that she stays home to rest and you will be right by her side to empty her bucket and rub her feet.

 Comment on weight gain

Another point you would assume would be common sense but unfortunately not. People seem to think that as soon as someone announces their pregnancy, they become open targets for any opinions someone might have. So telling a pregnant mum she looks like she swallowed a beach ball or commenting on how hard the weight will be to lose every time she puts something other than fruit and veg in her mouth will only come back to bite you later. She may laugh it off once but eventually, if she is smart she will begin to point out some of your flaws. Majority of the time a pregnant woman is already struggling to accommodate her new found fuller figure so unless you are planning on gushing over her with lots of lovely comments its best to keep your mouth shut.

Things to do

Help with housework

Even a pregnant woman wants to feel pride in her home and her surroundings. So instead of telling her to just leave the housework and rest, try helping her do it. Even just a quick tidy up of the lounge room and clearing off that pile of dirty dishes is going to be more appreciated than you could realise. So instead of cancelling a visit when pregnant mum is embarrassed at the state of the house, come over and bring your washing up gloves!

Help with babysitting

Kids are hard work. It’s well known to everyone, regardless if you have children or not. So to an already totally exhausted and sleep deprived pregnant woman, the idea of having to spend the day amusing her 2 year old in between bouts of nausea and cramps is a nightmare. The best form of sympathy you can show is taking said child off her hands for a few hours. Enough time for her to have a shower and a nap and recoup some of her energy.

Be there to listen

For anyone that isn’t pregnant, listening to all the ins and outs of how terrible it can be is hard. But if it’s hard for you to hear, imagine living it. Yes some of the symptoms are boring and some are downright gross but if you are supposed to be part of a pregnant woman’s support network then you need to suck it up. Let her know that she has someone to talk to whenever she needs to no matter how many times you have to hear the same stuff.

Organise outings that everyone can enjoy

Your average person wouldn’t be too concerned to have another Saturday night on the lounge watching bad movies, but when you have been doing this for months on end it’s a different story. Rather than ringing your pregnant friend every Monday with tales of your wild adventures over the weekend or even worse sending that Saturday night text of “I wish you were here!” try organising activities and outings that pregnancy doesn’t rule out. Sure the dinner reservations might need to be earlier to accommodate an 8pm bedtime and the wild night of dancing will need to wait until bladder control is once more an easy bodily function but it’s important to still make her feel part of society.

 Make her feel special

This is the most important thing anyone can do for a pregnant woman. With the hormones raging and the body image starting to change, it only takes a small negative to send a pregnant woman into a downward spiral. BUT with just a small token of appreciation or kindness from everyone around her she will have enough positivity surrounding her to cope, even when things are at there worst. From a compliment to a bunch of flowers, everyone that has any contact with a pregnant woman should make a point to do as much as they can to make her feel good about herself and the wonderful job she is doing creating life inside her body.